If you are
married (or are a coward and simply
live with someone), then,
simplistically, you are one of three
types of people. You either love the
exploration of whisk(e)y, along with
your partner, in spite of your
partner, or thirdly, you don’t like
whisk(e)y at all. If this last is
the case, stop reading, and go pour
yourself a cranberry-infused vodka.
If the first scenario is the case,
AWESOME!, (and does she have a
sister). But if, like most folks I
know, you fall into the middle
category, you might have a dilemma –
how to stockpile a cache of
different whiskies to suit all your
moods, while at the same time
avoiding lectures on why “you have
enough whisk(e)y”, since obviously
if you only have one mouth, you only
really need one bottle. Which, as
anyone WITH ANY SENSE knows, is
completely beside the point.
But don’t worry,
I’m here to help.
First off, you
have to be able to take a little
heat. Buy a half dozen bottles and
toss ‘em in your liquor cabinet. Go
ahead, show some guts! It’s your
house, too, dammit! Leave the
receipts lying around. It doesn’t
matter; you work hard.
Now slowly,
inexorably, buy a bottle or two
more, every so often, and keep
increasing your bottle count. The
purpose here is to confuse your
partner – essentially, most bottles
look the same if you don’t know what
they are. Sure, you can tell the
difference between the Classic Malts
bottles, but to your partner,
they’re just a bunch of bottles.
Now, put the
bottles in more than one location of
your home. Yes, it’s clutter. But
that’s the beauty of the process!
Who can keep track? (you can)
Now, you’re done
taking the heat. Mind you, I didn’t
say done stockpiling and enjoying
new and different drams, but at this
point, you can act with a little
more stealth. From here on in, what
you buy is your concern alone. As
you bring new, interesting bottles
into your home, merely add them to
your existing stock, randomly. The
original bottles will act as
camouflage, not hiding the new ones,
but breaking-up the outline of your
“stash”; in other words, your
partner will think there might be
new bottles there, but won’t really
be sure! It’s brilliant!
Now remember,
your partner’s probably not stupid.
Every once in a while, let him/her
see you buy an inexpensive bottle,
just as an alibi as to why your
collection keeps growing. And of
course, remember to dispose of your
whisk(e)y the old-fashioned way:
drink it! After all, that’s the
point, right?
Practicing
“Stealth Whisk(e)y” should help you
painlessly add to your collection,
and drinking pleasure. Of course, if
your partner finds out about this,
you’ve obviously got another
dilemma. (Sorry!)
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Questions or comments are welcome, I can be reached at
brett@whiskyguild.com
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